Being a Mom is HARD

Being a Mom is hard! That is not a shocker. Somedays are draining, exhausting and may even leave you weeping on the couch while your husband plays hockey and your kids are asleep. It may leave you texting your best friend who lives miles away and your Mom and crying and laughing. It may leave you saying "I feel like a shitty parent" and having this response "Everybody feels like a shitty parent sometimes. I think anybody who says otherwise is either lying or in denial. You are probably the best mother I know. Your kids are lucky they were born to you. I mean it." I am not saying that is true, but in my moment of weakness, that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. That is what all Mother's should do for each other. Support. (Unless you're that one who is lying or in denial...then you're probably judging! haha)
But truthfully, if you're a Mom, you're going to have the same days/evening that I am experiencing. Where poor behavior from your child will eventually wear thin on you and you will feel your blood boil. You will discipline and then quietly weep in a corner where no one has to see. You will clench your teeth so you don't raise your voice and accept a sad child's apology and say you love them but not cave on the punishment you have already said was necessary. You feel your heart breaking but are told you're doing the right thing. Being a Mom is hard.
I am here tonight, with red, puffy eyes and a sad heart saying "You can do it! You're a great Mom. Your child is lucky to have you." I hope that someone who reads this needs to hear those words and know that I mean them. Nobody is perfect. Not us and not our children. So, lets accept them and love them and discipline when necessary and do the same for ourselves.
Being a Mom is hard. But, tomorrow is a new day. I will start fresh and kiss each one of my perfectly imperfect children and pat my imperfect self on the back.

Routine

For as long as my husband has known me, which is a long time, he has always "made fun" of me for being a person who functions best with routine. When we were were just an engaged couple he worked on the road. Often he was away 2 weeks at a time and then home for a week. I was never a huge fan of him being away for 2 weeks at a time but I had my routine when he was gone - school, work, friends, etc... When he would come home after being away for 2 weeks or longer, he would throw off my routine. It took all my power not to snap because of it.
Now, as a wife and Mother I have even more routine (which as a young, single woman, I never thought possible). I have the giant "Mom" calendar on my fridge saying what days I work, what is happening at school for the kids, when my night classes are, when the kids activities are, playdates, weddings, medical appointments, etc, etc... A blank day on our calendar is few and far between.
With that being said, this summer, my calendar often had many free days. I never had to work. I didn't have night class. The kids activities were off for the summer. The only things written were fun playdates or vacations planned! It was a dream! I got used to drinking tea on the deck while the kids played and not getting out of our jammies until 11am. I got used to later suppers and free evenings to go for bike rides or have friends over for sangria! As much as I thrive on routine, I thoroughly enjoyed a less hectic schedule and doing what we wanted whenever we wanted!
Now, life is back to structure. Last night I sat down at the table with my calendar and started writing things in...night classes 2 nights a week, school everyday for Rory, preschool for Jack, work for me, Henry's 1st birthday, weddings, swim lessons, dance registration, hockey and figure skating registration! Suddenly my calendar is filling up at a rapid pace and even though I know I will function with all of this, I also feel a little anxiety. I always thought that when the kids were really little that it was my most hectic time. Up every 3 hours in the night, the constant feedings, diaper changes, nap times, etc. Don't get me wrong, thats crazy too! But, now that I have school activities and work and my own classes and the kids activities its a never ending day! Run run run.
Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't have it any other way. Night classes for me means that I have been given the opportunity to expand my education. Hectic? Yes. Important? Absolutely. Running 4 nights a week with kids activities means that I have healthy, active children. I wouldn't want it any other way. Work means that my husband and I are making money and able to grow and learn everyday. I love my job. He loves his.
Last night I was feeling overwhelmed. I said to my husband "I think I have to drop out of my class. I don't think I can do it all. I know education is important but being there for my kids and their activities is also important!" He said "Don't do anything drastic yet. Let's see what happens. Let's see where everything falls. We will work it out. Together."
With all of this being said it brings me to the gratitude challenge that was going around facebook. I loved waking up and checking facebook to see the things people were thankful for. I found it really changed everyones outlook. People lost the negativity. So even though I did the gratitude challenge I feel like today I need to sit down and be thankful instead of feeling stressed and swamped!
So here it goes:
1) My job. Even though I don't have a full time contract I enjoy the hours I do have and the subbing possibilities I receive. I am thankful for the staff I work with and the opportunities I have to learn and grow in my job.
2) My kids. They are very active kids. They enjoy dance, hockey, swimming, figure skating, etc. Even though it makes for a busy calendar I like nothing more than to cheer them on and see their excitement!
3) My husband. When I feel frazzled or overwhelmed he is there to bring me back down and calm me down. Letting me know that we can work it out as a team and I can do the same for him when the roles are reversed.
4) My night classes. I am given the opportunity to go back to school for something I am passionate about and have it paid for by my work. I think all education is important but free education is so wonderful. Plus, I got to meet some really wonderful ladies by taking this class as well.
5) Big ass calendars from costco! This allows me to stay organized (and my husband) and keep my head on straight!
6) My family and babysitters. They are always there to help out when I need to sub at work, or run to activities or school, etc. If you would have asked me when I was 18 if I would ever move back to Bruno I would have said "hell no" but now I couldn't imagine it being any other way. I love being close to my family and Kurtis' family. I love this small town!
7) For my bed. After busy days of running around - there is nothing sweeter than crawling into my nice, cozy bed.
8) Wine. Sometimes a big glass of wine can make the day all better too!!!
I'm sure this list could go on and on!
Anyways - to all of you out there trying to get back into routine! Good luck! I hope you can all find the time to be where you wanna be and when you wanna be there! I hope you can find your balance and keep your sanity! I hope you also have good people in your life to help out when you need it. I also hope you can sit down and find a few things to be thankful for - even on the craziest of days!

Different Reasons

If you ever ask a parent what the best part of being a parent is, you'll get the answers like "They are the reason I wake up every morning" or "When they smile at you there is no better feeling in the world" or "Being called 'Mom' is my greatest honor". Now, I'm not saying any of those things aren't true. I mean, I love my kids. I love being a Mom, but no one ever says why they are the reason you wake up every morning. You wake up every morning because they're hungry, they have to pee, they can't sleep past 7 or 8 (or for others 5 or 6). Yes, they have wonderful, gorgeous little smiles, do you know why they are giving you that lovely little smile? Because while they were playing outside they decided to try pooping in a bush and "succeeded" and they have to come and tell you how great they are for doing so (sadly, enough, this is a true story for me!) And yes, being called "Mom" is a HUGE honor and I am oh so grateful but sometimes I think I should record how many times a day I hear "MOM!" in a day. Good grief!

So here are a few things I like about being a Mom but maybe its a little different take than you're used to.

1) When your baby is constipated and FINALLY poops - even though it has exploded out of his diaper and up his back and ruined another onesie. You're so happy it finally happened you clean all the crap up with a big ass grin while saying "Good boy!!!"

2) The moment when you realize how quickly your children are growing up and all the times you've thought it would be easier when they are older. Suddenly, you realize that you're so proud of the little people they are becoming but saddened by how independent they are becoming all at the same time.

3) When your child out smarts you and knows it and you think to yourself "smart ass kid" but in your head you're thinking "Ya! This kid is gonna succeed in life!"

4) The day your kid is having a temper tantrum and you say "1...2...do you know what happens when I get to 3?" and they stop screaming and simply state "You're gonna spank my butt!" and I think "FINALLY I AM SUCCEEDING at this parenting thing because not only did they listen but they stopped crying!" Winning!!!

5) When you ask your child, "what do you have inside your head?" and they respond "rocks and skittles" and you love him still the same (if not a little more) and you understand the true love a parent has for their children.

6) When your baby is so frustrated that he can't crawl and you wish and pray everyday that he would just figure it out. Then he figures it out and he is constantly dumping dirt out of your flower pots, emptying the cat water and splashing in it or finding random disgusting-ness on the floor and eating it and all you can think is "Look how happy that little holy terror is!"

7) When your oldest child does all the talking for her younger brother and finally he says "HEY! I'm talking" when she interrupts him and you think "mmm hmmm, you got told!" and beam with pride at the way he stood his ground.

8) The day your daughter starts asking questions about gay/lesbian couples and she so simply understands and excepts that love is love - no matter what, and you know she will go places with that beautiful outlook on life.

9) When your baby finally starts feeding himself finger foods and holding his own sippy cup and suppers no longer consist of separate "baby food meals" or pureeing, etc. Finally everyone can eat at the same time and eat when its hot. Same goes for the day everyone will be potty trained...2 down 1 to go...not that I'm counting.

10) When you ask your children at bed time "what was your favorite part of your day?" and they respond with answers like "When I pooped" or "when we went to the park", "when we snuggled on the couch", "when you read us a story", "when we went for a bike ride", etc and its a true reminder that the simple things in life really are the best things.

I'm sure this list could go on for miles and that many Mom's and Dad's could think of other things to add that I have missed but these are a few reasons that I find being a Mom so rewarding. I once read a quote that said "Parenting - when the days are long but the years are short" and I couldn't agree more.

Life is too short.

On June 8th, 2014, the world seemed a little less bright. That day we lost Michael Manderschied. He was a beautiful soul and one of my long time friends. Memories of Michael go all the way back to age 3 or 4 for me. We attended preschool together and I remember becoming good friends with him then. I remember playdates in the sandbox and then in University drinking beers in either my apartment, my basement suite or my first home or going to the Long Branch and dancing the night away. Michael was a part of every major memory in  my life and its a hard pill to swallow knowing he won't be around for my new memories to come.

What I will always remember best about Mike is his love of life. His cheery personality, his big smile, his determination. Even with all the obstacles he faced being in a wheelchair he never chose the easy way because of it. I remember going to Grifftith's Stadium in Saskatoon and running alongside him on the track as he trained. Every time he pushed himself a little harder and succeeded a bit more. I remember doing fundraiser races with him - once our team all wore Dodge (Mopar) shirts and the other time we were dressed in toilet paper! He did track, water sports, skiing, sledge hockey, etc... He was a huge sports fan and was an inspiration to me and many, many others.

Anyone who ever met Mike, wanted to be his friend. He could have a conversation with anyone, young or old. There is never a struggle to find what to say and when he spoke, you listened, because he was smart, interesting, funny and inspirational. I could go on for hours about wonderful memories that I have made with him. The memories fill my heart with happiness and sorrow all at the same time. I think of his parents, his brother, his sister in law and niece. I think about all the friends he has made over his 29 years of life. He will be missed but never, ever forgotten.

Mike, you were a beautiful soul. You touched many lives. You were my friend, my inspiration and you've changed my life for the better by just knowing you. I feel honored and privileged to have been a part of your life. Our world seems a little less bright now that you're gone, but WOW, has heaven ever gained one hell of an Angel. I hope you're driving around in a Mopar up there - maybe its plum crazy purple...remember that was my favorite color?! I hope you're drinking an ice cold beer and smiling that big smile that could light up a room. I hope you're laughing at the good times you've had and feeling happy in your new paradise. We miss you here, more than you'll ever know.

Until we meet again, bud. I love you & miss you.

You just never know.

This morning my youngest son woke up and I took him into bed with me - taking full advantage of my week off work (and my oldest 2 still sleeping). He lay beside me kicking and coo'ing while I tickled his toes and played peek a boo. Eventually, I grabbed my phone from the night stand and checked my facebook. The first thing that appeared on my newsfeed was my friends sisters blog. I opened it up and started reading her newest entry that was talking about today being the 10 year anniversary of her Dad's passing. Now, I never knew her Dad. I felt like I did because I had heard my friend and her sister talk about him before. I had seen photos. But, as I read the blog I cried. I cried like I knew that man. I cried because I felt my heart ache for my friends and their family. I thought about my family. I thought about the pain I would feel if I lost a parent. The pain is actually unbearable for me to think about. I often think I wouldn't function properly after losing a parent. I think that everyone I saw and everywhere I looked I would be reminded and the sadness would be constant. But, then I look at my friends who have lost a parent and their strength and courage is outstanding to me. They are able to tell stories about their Dad and not break down, but instead laugh at the happy memories.

What I'm getting at with this is that we often judge people. We all do it. We find something to knit pick them about and judge away...their clothes, their smile, their voice, their family, their house, their car, etc etc...its all ridiculous but we all do it. But, you know what if you looked at my friends who lost a parent you wouldn't say "hey, they look sad..." instead you may say "They have big smiles", "Look at their beautiful children" or "listen to their boisterous laughs". Don't judge someone - you never know what their journey has been. You don't know what they've seen or what they've been though.

Today after I read that blog and had my cry, I gave each one of my kids a little extra hug. I thought about my parents and thought, I better call them today and say a simple "I love you". Life is short. We hear it all the time, but its true. Hold onto those you love. Don't judge because you don't know the journey. You don't know how many tears someones eyes have cried.

Why so negative?

The recent "love yourself selfies" has caused many feel good moments for people - including myself! It has also caused a few people to post rants about it. I laugh and shake my head at those people who had to look so deeply into these photos and ruin it for people. I think it was fun. I think its a way to show empowerment and to truly love yourself. You can post a make up free photo and still love make up. I do. I wear make up almost everyday. I love going on a date with my husband or out with my girlfriends and wearing bright lipstick and having long eye lashes full of mascara! I am a make up lover but I also love my naked face too. I like my freckles and stumpy lashes (Ok, so I don't love my stumpy lashes, but they're me!) I liked seeing my friends with their fresh faces...some with towels on their heads, some just out of bed, some with their beautiful children beside them. I also liked the ones that some men posted with their facial hair and goofy looks on their faces. I liked the joke ones. I liked the serious ones. Each and every one was beautiful and made me happy.

For those of you that had to write things like "Selfies aren't attractive - let alone the ones where you have no make up and you're unrecognizable" or said "Why don't you post a picture when you're all dressed up and feel sexy?" Well, you know what? You can post a photo like that. I see people posting photos of themselves all the time in their fancy outfits and hair and make up all done. I love those photos too. But, for once, people were changing it up a bit and showing their fresh faces and I loved it. Stop being Debbie Downers people! Stop ruining things. Its fine to have an opinion and if you didn't want to do the make up free selfie, then don't. No one will make you (nomination or not) so, just don't do it. But, don't be a jerk to those people who had a little fun with it. I just don't understand why people have to make a big deal about nothing. Its pointless.

Life is a lot happier if you just look at the positives. I'm guilty as any one else to find a negative but when it comes to something as harmless as a fun, make up free photo, what is there to turn negative? Enjoy it people. You'll be a lot happier.

For those of you who did fill my Facebook newsfeed with fun, make up free selfies, thank you! I enjoyed each and every one. For those of you who tried to ruin it, I hope you find something else to spend your time ranting on...something worth ranting on, at least.

Have a wonderful day everyone- with orr without make up!

Friends

Friends always amaze me. In my 28 years of life I have had many, many friends. I have had friends that have been a part of my life since the day I was born and are still incredibly important to me now. I have friends that I met in elementary school, middle school and high school. Some of which I am still good friends with today and others that have come and gone in my life. I have friends that I made in University/when I lived in Saskatoon. I have friends I made when I moved back to Bruno. I have friends I have met through work, Mom's groups and my kids activities. Friends I have met through my husband, through my family, through my children. Some of these people have been a part of my life for only a brief moment and some for many, many years. None being more important than the other because in one way or another they were special to me for either a day, a month or many years.

These people have come into my life and some have left it now but they have all made impacts on me. I have learned things from each and every friendship - each one unique and different. To my friend that I have known all my life - you're the true definition of a best friend. You've been a part of every single big and small moment in my life - even when we weren't in the same town or province. We can talk everyday or once every couple months and there is never a lull in the conversation. I can call you when I'm the most happy and I can call you when I'm the most sad and you're there all the same. I hang up the phone feeling almost drunk because of the happiness you bring to my life! 28 years is a long time...can't wait for 28 more!

To the friend I have had since preschool - you've grown up right beside me. Preschool to Grade 12. SIAST and University. Parties, bars, engagement, marriage and now families! You've seen my best and my worst and we still have one another's back!

To my friends that were near and dear to me at one time and have since chosen different paths. Thank you for being a big part of my life - whether it was a year or two or three. Thank you for being a stepping stone to who I am today. You helped me realize what is important to me.

To my friends that I still love dearly but maybe am at a different place in my life than you or that I am unable to see or talk to as much as I wish I could - you're not forgotten. I wish you well and when we see each other again you will realize that you're always in my heart, even if we don't get a chance to see one another as much as we maybe should.

To my newest friends - I'm excited to see where we end up! I'm excited for our fun times we've had already and for the fun times still to come!

Everyone needs a friend! I'm so lucky to have the ones I do and to have had the ones I did!